WEEK SEVEN: October 25 - October 28

Edward Sassou, the "reverend" and "doctor" from Parakou, was stranded in Abuja for a month before he was able to find his way back home. He was filthy, exhausted, and broke. He ran out of internet cafe funds, and was only able to secure a ride back home after agreeing to trade for a television. His trip to Abuja was supposed to be fruitful; he was expecting to rake in $41,000, but his contact from Moistecundt, Richard Likker, was assaulted and robbed by the evil swindler, Sukbutt Kahega. His pride diminished, he sank into a deep depression, until he decided, for whatever reason, to reach out to his Chicago contact, Mary Hatta-Littelam, three months later:


From: Edward Sassou
Subject: monies

miss mary where my money now? i waste my time and every inch of life on the visit to abuja but noone shows up. dick no show and kahega steal again! god blessed mary i stay in abuja for month with no monies and got home but now i had to sell my telly to get ride. we need to finish this series business to get me my monies today. i wait your asap reply ok
edward sassou rev


In Chicago, Mary Hatta-Littelam was going through her inbox when the Sassou email caught her by surprise!  She hadn't heard from him since the middle of July, when she told him about the mugging of Richard.


From: Mary Hatta-Littelam
Subject: Re: monies

Edward,

It is great to hear from you!  It had been so long and I hadn't heard back from you, I was worried about what may have happened.  Did you not receive any of my emails?

Regarding your "monies", as you're well-aware, Richard Likker was assaulted in Abuja while en route to meet with you.  He is going through rigorous physical therapy, but is expected to fully recover.

We are aware that you are still owed your payment of $41,000.  You are welcome to fly to Chicago, we can have someone from our Cape Town office reach out to you.  It is up to you.

Respectfully,
Mary


Edward replied the following day


From: Edward Sassou
Subject: Re: Re: monies

mary hello i talk to cape ton office please ok but no dick likker again he no show 2 times to meet me
dr sassou


Mary called up the Cape Town office of Moistecundt and spoke with the interim branch manager, Whitey Pricklesworth, and told him of the situation.  Whitey agreed to contact Edward and set up a meeting.


From: Whitey Pricklesworth
Subject: Hello Edward

Greetings, Edward.

I am Whitey Pricklesworth, the interim general manager of Cape Town's Moistecundt branch.  I am running the office while Richard is undergoing physical therapy and recovery.

From what Mary has told me, you are trying to collect a payment of $41,000 for your modeling services.  I remember seeing those "Hedgehogs ate my anus" billboards with your picture.  Great work!

I travel quite a bit, and will be in your area next week, specially Port Harcourt, Nigeria, on Thursday, November 5th.  I will be staying at the Vhelberg Imperial Hotel.  Due to the issues we've encountered in the past, I will have a personal security escort during my travel.

Please let me know if this date works for you.

Thank you.
Whitey


After reading that there would be a security team, Edward felt relieved.  Surely there wouldn't be any risk of robbery this time.


From: Edward Sassou
Subject: Re: Hello Edward

hello my friend whitey yes this is good news. many issues last times of meeting dick for my monies but this will be ok i know. call me please at ****************** to discuss meet time or emali thank you so much mr whitey
dr sassou


The following day, Whitey read Edward's kind words and was excited to meet this unlucky individual.


From: Whitey Pricklesworth
Subject: Re: Re: Hello Edward

Edward,

Thank you for the kind words.  I look forward to meeting you.  Assuming you follow my instructions, you will leave Port Harcourt with your $41,000 without delay.

On Thursday, November 5th, you will meet my security team at the southwest entrance of the hotel at 11:00am, where they will escort you my private room.  They will be wearing black suits and sunglasses, so you should be able to easily spot them.  DO NOT APPROACH THEM; they will approach YOU.

Remember this: There are several entrances to the hotel.  You will need to be at the northwest entrance.  This is a large hotel, and my security team will not waste their time wandering around looking for you.  Just remember to go to the southeast entrance.

I will be out of the office and unavailable for several days but I will respond to any questions as quickly as I can.  I look forward to seeing you on November 5th.  Again, my team will be at the northeast entrance, at 11:00am.

Thank you.
Whitey


Whether he was overly excited and not paying attention, or he's just that dumb, Edward clearly did not notice the multiple discrepancies in Whitey's email, specifically regarding the entrance at which he's to meet the security team. 


From: Edward Sassou
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Hello Edward

ok friend i see you on 5 november thank you god blessed
mister sassou

 

Will Edward show up at the correct entrance of the hotel?  Will he finally get paid?!  Find out next time!

WEEKS FIVE & SIX: July 11 - July 22

Edward Sassou spent three days trying to gather money for his trip to Parakou.  He blasted Richard Likker’s email account, begging for an advance via Western Union.  On Monday morning, the day he was supposed to meet Richard to pick up his $41,000, he sent this:


From: Edward Sassou
Subject: Friend Hello

dick my glory friend i cant no find enough for payment of taxi to parakou without your gracious aid. i want to meet you but i cant no afford it by this day. very please send me western union monies so i can meet you this night! you owe me this for because of you giving my money to the crook kahega who stole under your nose and i warned you. i been in lagos for a week with no shower and no place to sleep. i scared because i got robbed and sleeping on bench. please help
reverend sassou dr


Richard Likker sat in his room at Le Majestic Hôtel.  He was growing impatient with Edward’s constant emails begging for money.  When he received Edward’s latest email, he was close to losing it.


From: Richard Likker
Subject: Re: Friend Hello

Edward,

First of all, I am not your friend.  I am in upper management of Moistecundt, your employer, and therefore your superior.  Don’t ever forget that.

As I’ve said many times, we will not send you money through Western Union EVER.  You need to print this email out and glue it to your hand so you’ll remember that.

Sukbutt Kahega presented himself as a kind, literate, and dependable employee.  We were all taken by surprise with his deception.  The police are still looking for him, but he will be caught eventually.  Regardless, it would be wise of you not to throw blame so carelessly upon myself.  I would be happy to give Titty McDerp a phone call and have your employment with us terminated.

As far as meeting me goes, I will be here until tomorrow morning.  If you cannot meet me tonight, then you will just have to meet me in Cape Town.

-Dick


Edward didn’t respond for a few days, and when he did, he sent this short reply:


From: Edward Sassou
Subject: Re: Re: Friend Hello

dick this no good business. i try to find monies ok, i contact you when i have monies for trip – dr sassou


A few more days went by, and Richard had not heard from Edward at all.  He was afraid that Edward had completely lost interest in the whole thing, so he decided to reach out to Edward on Monday.


From: Richard Likker
Subject: Meet Wednesday

Edward,

Good morning, Edward.  I have not heard from you in a few days.  I hope you have made it home, or have at least been able to find lodgings for yourself.  Surely you haven’t been sleeping on the street since July 3rd, right?  That’s twenty days!

Anyways, I will be in Abuja on Wednesday, July 22.  Abuja is about a 10 hour ride from Lagos, assuming you’re still stuck there.  You can also fly, if you have the money.

I will be staying at the Transcorp Hilton Abuja.  We can meet at 1:00pm on Wednesday.  Let me know if you’re going to come.

I hope everything is okay.

-Dick


Richard didn’t expect a reply from Edward, but he got one within twenty minutes!


From: Edward Sassou
Subject: Re: Meet Wednesday

hi my dick, i got good news for us, i borrow money from someone in lagos and can meet you in Abuja ok! i got good shower too and cloths praise god. i promise i pay guy back on thursday so we must meet wednesday ok. i can no wait past Thursday, this very important, i make that clear now! i be at hotel Wednesday at 1, dick thanks you for all you do.
mister sassou


Edward traveled the 10 hour journey on Tuesday night on the back of a scooter and reached Abuja on Wednesday morning. When he got to an internet café, he checked his email and found one from Richard.


From: Richard Likker
Subject: Re: Re: Meet Wednesday

Edward,

I’m so happy that you’ve been able to have a nice shower and clean clothes.  The man who loaned you the money must be very generous, indeed!

I just checkout out of the hotel, but I will meet you at the Sheraton Abuja Hotel’s lobby bar at 1:00pm.  I hear their food is amazing.  I’ll buy you lunch after your long journey, and we can have a drink and share a toast to your future at Moistecundt.

I have the briefcase with your money on me, so do not fear.  You will soon be $41,000 richer, and you can pay back the man who loaned you the money by tomorrow.

I’ll see you soon!

-Dick


Edward had never been happier.  He was going to be rich.  He arrived at the massive Sheraton Abuja Hotel on time, but could not find Richard in the lobby bar.  He waited for an hour before going to an internet café to try to contact Richard.  Maybe he was running late or lost.


From: Edward Sassou
Subject: urgeny reply please

dick, i am here at Sheraton hotel but you no here. i ask around but no one know you. where are you at my friend i am nerves now. i need this money today
mister sassou


He sent several more emails, but didn’t receive a response from Richard. It wasn’t until later that night that he received an email, but it wasn’t from Richard.


From: Mary Hatta-Littelam
Subject:  Very Sad News

Good evening, Edward.

It appears Richard was attacked earlier today by an unknown assailant.  He is being treated at a local hospital for mild injuries, but is expected to be released tomorrow (Thursday) at some point.

He didn’t see his attacker, and unfortunately they stole the briefcase with your money in it.  The Abuja police are doing a full investigation, however.

We will let you know when Richard has been released from the hospital.  Being a reverend, I ask that you please pray for him during this trying time.

Once he is back on his feet again, we will figure out how to proceed from here.  At the moment, we are all at a loss for words.

Respectfully,
Mary


Edward went from being at his happiest to his most hopeless.  He wasn’t going to be able to pay back the debt on time, for sure.  While pondering what to do next, he noticed a new message in his inbox.  His throat tensed up and he began gritting his teeth when he read the email.


From: Sukbutt Kahega
Subject: (no subject)

Hello Edward.
I am sure you heard by now about poor Dick. So sad.  It is funny how easily money like that can go missing.  Twice now.  Very interesting.  You call me son of donkey whore, but I am really a rich man with $82,000 in cash now.  You choose your words wisely next time.
from Kahega

 

How long will Edward be stuck in Abuja?  Will he somehow make it home to Benin?  Where do we go from here?  Find out next time!

WEEK FOUR: July 4 - July 10

Mister Reverend Doctor Edward Sassou spent the weekend telling his family about all the money he was going to get from a stupid American. He was going to be a rich man when he got to Lagos on Monday.  Over $40,000 in cash was going to be delivered to him in a briefcase by Moistecundt’s Cape Town branch manager, Richard Likker (specifically, by Richard’s new assistant, Sukbutt Kahega, a lad from Lagos).  To make sure he’d be able to contact Kahega, he bought himself a new phone.

The details were in place. Edward was going to meet “Kahega” at a café inside the main terminal of Murtala Muhammed Airport in Lagos at 2:00pm.  Kahega told Edward to look for “a man in a yellow hat”.

Edward departed Cotonou, Benin on a “motoscoot”, a scooter-taxi for his 3 hour trip to Lagos.  When he reached the airport, he went to an internet café near the airport to inform Kahega that he had arrived in Lagos.


From: Edward Sassou
Subject: hello friend

hello kahega i am in lagos now my motoscoot is waiting for payment for ride so i say to him i get money from you to pay for taxi. i am going to cafe to meet you now please no be late because taxi is waiting for payment. call me ************ now please so i know you here.
sassou


Kahega sat in his car with a briefcase full of cash.  He received Edward’s email, but the $41,000 that sat in the seat next to him was starting to call out his name.  He was going back and forth about what to do.  He had a great job, but he was greedy.  Before he was hired at Moistecundt, he ran a scamming operation and made hundreds of thousands of dollars by ripping off gullible Americans.  He finally made a decision.  The money was begging to be taken.  He sped on out of the city with Edward’s $41,000 cash.


Poor Edward sat in the café for an hour waiting patiently for Kahega to appear.  Edward’s scooter driver was also waiting with him, because he had not been paid for the three-hour taxi ride.  Edward told the taxi to come with him to the internet café so he could find out where Kahega was.  He was probably stuck in traffic or something.


From: Edward Sassou
Subject: urgent where are you

kahega it is 330 and you not here where you at, i very unhappy with your service kahega. i tell mr likker and ms mcderp about this if you no come soon. taxi is still waiting payment and i am without payment for him, i am very not happy with this. where you at kahega call me ************
sassou


Edward also sent Richard Likker an email.


From: Edward Sassou
Subject: please HELP NOW

hello dear dick i am in lagos but kahega is no show yet! i took taxi from cotonou and he not been paid yet and getting very mad at me. this no good for our business. please come with my payment now yourself or tell kahega to come now ok
mister sassou


Edward went back to the airport café with the taxi driver to wait for Kahega and/or Richard.  He was furious, but the taxi driver was at his wits end.  He flagged a police officer and informed them that Edward did not pay him for the three-hour taxi ride.  Edward tried explaining to the officer that the money was on the way, but it was no use.  Poor Edward was placed in handcuffs and led to a detainment room.

Five hours later, Edward was released.  He was able to place a call to a business associate in Lagos, who brought the payment for the taxi driver.  Edward spent the night with his friend, but he couldn’t sleep.  He had no money, and no way to get back home.

Edward headed out to an internet café to vent his frustrations with Moistecundt.  He sent an email to Kahega.


From: Edward Sassou
Subject: fuck you you

son of whore donky. i find you and you see how we do business in benin. you see i get you fired you fucker guy! where my money?
sassou


And an email to Dick.


From: Edward Sassou
Subject: please urgent!!

hello dick we have big problem here. kahega did not come and i got arrest by police here at airport for 5 hours. i call friend in lagos to pay for taxi and get me out but i am very upset i was embarrassed in hand coughs in front of many people, i did no wrong. kahega did wrong and you. i still dont have payment where is it? i need payment to go home and I am very upset please help now
mister sassou


Richard received Edward’s shocking email late at night.


From: Richard Likker
Subject: Re: please HELP NOW

Edward,

This news is unsettling.  We had been unable to contact Mr. Kahega after 1:00pm.  We filed a report with the police and they have been out looking for him.  I hope he is okay!  He may have been in a terrible accident.

While I understand that you’re upset for being placed in handcuffs and detained by the police, you should have been prepared to pay for your taxi ride at the time you used it.  It is very irresponsible of you to use a taxi service if you are unable to pay it.

Once we find Kahega, we will be able to pay you your money.  But without speaking with him, we have no way of knowing how to proceed.  For all we know, you could have taken the money from Kahega, assaulted him, left him for dead, and are now asking for more money.  As you can see, when dealing with an amount as large as $41,000, we have to be sure of what truly happened, and we cannot assume that he simply did not show up.  That is out of character.  He is a nice Nigerian lad, and would never take someone else’s money.

You may return home to Benin if you wish, or stay with your friend in Lagos.  Regardless, we will contact you as soon as we have gathered all information.

-Dick
 

Edward replied immediately.


From: Edward Sassou
Subject: Re: Re: please HELP NOW

hello dick ok this no good. kahega did no show, I did no fight him. he probable nigerian crook and take my money.  dick this is urgent please i dont have place to stay in lagos and no way home. my friend no let me stay with him more because he has family. please i need to go home today.
mister sassou


Edward hadn’t received a reply from Dick in 2 days.  He was still in Lagos.  He didn’t have any money, but was somehow able to use the internet café. He probably made a new friend.

He had sent Dick several emails, one of which is below.


From: Edward Sassou
Subject: reply urgent needed!

dick i spend last two nights on street in lagos on bench. i am very tired and need cleaning and changing i want to go home. phone was tooken from me last night from thieves and i cant not call family. i am desperate man for god and just want to go home so please come today to lagos to give me payment of $us41.000.0  thank you i wait for payment here ok today!
-reverend sassou


Another day passed, which meant another night on the street for poor Edward.  He was robbed and his phone was taken from him, and he had no way of calling his family back home in Benin.  He was in rough shape.  He hadn’t bathed in several days.  He smelled like shit.  But he still had internet access somehow, so he went to the internet café and found a new email from Richard.


From: Richard Likker
Subject: Update

Good morning, Edward.  How did you sleep?

It appears Mr. Kahega did indeed steal the money.  You were correct, he was a Nigerian scammer most likely.  I hate scammers, don’t you?  I wish they’d all just drop dead.  Anyways, the police are going to find him, do not fear.

I have decided to handle this personally and deliver the money to you myself.  I will be in Parakou, Benin, on Monday for business.  I know this is a long trip for you, but my schedule is swamped.  You can either purchase a plane ticket for the 30-minute flight from Lagos to Parakou, or you can get a taxi for much less.  If you do the taxi, it is roughly an 8-hour trip from Lagos to Parakou.  A train is also available to you.  You can then travel directly home to Cotonou afterwards.

I will be staying at Le Majestic Hôtel.  Meet me at the lobby bar at 3:00pm.  NO LATER.  I have a very busy schedule and do not want to be delayed.

If you cannot meet me in Parakou, you will have to come to our Moistecundt office in Cape Town, South Africa.  Unfortunately those are the only options at this time.

I will be unable to check email until Monday.  I hope to see you Monday afternoon.  Remember, it is 3:00pm at Le Majestic Hôtel in Parakou, Benin.

I will see you soon.  I hope you can find lodgings through the weekend.  There are several storms in the forecast.

-Dick

 

Will Edward have to sleep in the rain all weekend?  Will he take the 8-hour taxi to Parakou?  Will the police capture the devilish Kahega?  And will anything happen to the kind Dick Likker when he travels to Parakou with $41,000 in cash?  Find out next time!

WEEK THREE: June 26 - July 3

It was a hot day in Benin and Mr. Sassou was pissed off.  He was without a phone after the photographer incident, and had to spend money out of his own pocket on transportation and the purchase of a purple marker.  His requests for reimbursement were ignored, and he hadn’t heard from any of the Moistecundt representatives in over three days.

Just when he was about to run out of internet café funds, he received an email from Mary Hatta-Littelam.


From: Mary Hatta-Littelam
Subject: You’re Famous!

Good morning, Edward!  Let me be the first to congratulate you on your newfound success!

The marketing team loved your photograph so much that they sent out a rush order for billboards to print overnight.  They have been erected throughout New York City, Chicago, and Philadelphia, and are in production for placement in Los Angeles and west coast cities this week.  By next weekend, the billboards will be erected in Paris, London, Berlin, and Tel Aviv, and potentially Tokyo and Beijing.

The July edition of Moiste Magazine will feature a story about this campaign, with you gracing the cover.

In short, your face is now trending worldwide!

I have spoken with Ms. McDerp regarding your salary, and after the success of your first project, she has deemed that you are worthy of a contract with us for $500,000 per year!  This is a modeling contract. We will not need you for the Administrative Assistant position.  You will not only receive a higher income, but are also eligible for substantial cash bonuses throughout the year.

Your first payment will be in the amount of $41,666.66.

Due to your status as a non-U.S. citizen, we will be unable to electronically deposit your funds into your bank account.  And due to the security risks of Western Union transactions, the only option we will consider is a direct, face-to-face payment transaction, in cash.

Now, you have two options, Edward.  You can purchase a plane ticket and fly to Chicago to meet us at our main office, or we can send a representative from our Cape Town, South Africa office to meet you.

The choice is entirely up to you.  Let us know how you would like to proceed.

Respectfully,
Mary


Mr. Sassou wasted no time sending out his reply.


From: Edward Sassou
Subject: Re: You’re Famous!

Hello blessed mary. That money sound good to me, I cant to go to american states because of cost. You can send western unions to me for airplane
thank you and urgent!
Bye
mister sassou


And from Mary…


From: Mary Hatta-Littelam
Subject: Re: Re: You’re Famous!

Edward,

We have told you numerous times already, we will NEVER send you money via Western Union.

Because you are unable to travel, I will forward your information to the branch manager of our Cape Town office.  His name is Richard Likker.  He is a very kind and capable point-of-contact for you.  He will make arrangements to deliver your first payment to you.

Be on the lookout for Dick’s email.  We want to get you on payroll as quickly as possible.

I will be in touch when we decide on your next project.

Respectfully,
Mary


Edward dreamed of many happy things that night.  He would soon have over $40,000, which much more to come!  He would have respect, and power, and money to buy anything he ever wanted.   The next day, he logged into his email at the internet café and found two new messages.


From: Richard Likker
Subject: Hello Edward!

Hello, Edward!

Allow me introduce myself!  My name is Richard Likker, but everyone calls me Dick.  I would prefer if you called me Dick, actually.  Richard sounds too formal.  I have always liked Dick, personally.  What about you?  Do you like Dick?

Mary sent me your information.  Congratulations on the fantastic photo shoot and advertising campaign!  We have one of your billboards here in Cape Town.  Very beautiful work, mate.

The purpose of this message is to inform you that I will be sending my assistant, Sukbutt Kahega, to personally deliver your first payment to you.  Mr. Kahega joined Moistecundt last month.  He is actually from Lagos, Nigeria!

Speaking of Lagos…that is the location where you and Mr. Kahega will meet.  We have had some difficulty crossing the border into Benin in the past, so you will need to meet him in Lagos.

You can travel by bus from Cotonou to Lagos, or your preferred method of transport.  The trip is 120km, or about 2.5 hours.

I will have Mr. Kahega contact you to set up the meeting date, location, and time.

It was nice to meet you, mate.

Cheers!
-Dick Likker


Edward opened up the next email, which was from Mr. Kahega.
 

From: Sukbutt Kahega
Subject: Hello friend


Hello friend Edward.
I am Sukbutt but call me Kahega ok?  We meet in Lagos at Murtala Muhammed Airport on Mainland. There is café in main terminal where we meet and do business.  Meet on Monday 06 July at 2 in afternoon ok? I will be a man in a yellow hat ok?
Confirm immediately here
from Kahega


Edward responded to Kahega first to confirm the meeting place and time.


From: Edward Sassou
Subject: Re: Hello friend

hi kahega. i am ok with meeting at lagos airport at that time, i take taxi but i will need payment for taxi driver ok?  i don’t want embarassedment again with no money.  see you on monday i wear black jacket and pant. Call me at ******************* when arrived. bye
Sassou


Edward then sent out a very nice email to Dick.


From: Edward Sassou
Subject: Re: Hello Edward!

hello dear dick very nice meeting you as well. i meet with kahega on monday. i am taking taxi to lagos airport but cant pay until i get your money from kahega so i please ask no be late!  i do like dick very much also it is nice.
god blessed
mister sassou



Will the money be delivered to Edward without a hitch?  Who is this Kahega guy, and can Edward trust him?  How will Edward pay the taxi driver if Kahega doesn’t show up in Lagos?  We will all find out next week!

Week Two: June 19 - June 25

It was hot and moist in Benin.  Mr. Sassou glanced over the questionnaire several times.  He was annoyed in particular about having to use a purple pen. He would need to purchase one and he would be out some money.


From: Edward Sassou
Subject: PLEASE URGENT

HELLO DEAR MARY,
I RECEIVE YOUR PAPER BUT CONCERNS ARE GREATLY BECAUSE I DO NOT HAVE PURPLE PENS, WHICH IS MUCH EXPENSED HERE IN MY CITY. PLEASE CAN I REPLY TYPING OR PLEASE SEND ME 100US WESTERNUNION TO PROCURE PURPLE PENS. OK
MISTER SASSOU


Edward did not hear back from Mary and was growing impatient.  He blasted out three more emails, one of which is below.


From: Edward Sassou
Subject: MARY HELLO

HELLO,
I am still await payment for travel and purchase of pen supplies. Ok plese send payment immediately to details now
Name: ****** **********
Bank: *******************
Acc: ******************
Cotonou Benin
BYE
MISTER SASSOU


Back in Chicago, Mary Hatta-Littelam was swamped with planning an upcoming fundraiser for a hedgehog crisis.  She had so many things to do, and was slightly perturbed when she had to be bothered by a cheapskate who didn’t want to buy a purple pen. Not to mention, the name he used for a possible bank transfer was different than the name he goes by.


From: Mary Hatta-Littelam
Subject:  Re: PLEASE URGENT

Good morning, Edward.

Neither myself nor our company will send you funds to purchase pens.  This is a requirement for all prospective employees of Moistecundt.

Also, the name you listed regarding payment transfer in your previous email is different than yours.  Why is this?

If you do not wish to complete the questionnaire as directed, your position will be filled by another individual immediately.

Let me know how you would like to proceed.

Respectfully,
Mary.


Edward traveled all over the streets of Benin in search of a purple pen. All of the shopkeepers made fun of him. He was not happy.  Nevertheless, he finally found a purple MARKER.  Hopefully it will be acceptable.  The internet café’s scanner did not produce it in color, either.


From: Edward Sassou
Subject: URGENT REPLY NEEDED TODAY

Miss Mary, hello I sent back paperwork for my position. I had to travel many places around city to meet your purple pen ok. It is needed to be compensate for my travel and purchases of pen and scanner use because I spend all day finding it.  Please the name is different because he is my financer of bank and does all businesses transaction.
When I can expect this payment? I very am confused about what is next for this.
Bye
Urgent
Mr. Sassou


Edward also sent Moistecundt’s founder, Titty McDerp, an email about getting paid for his travel and pen expenses.


From: Edward Sassou
Subject: PLEASE URGENT

HELLO DEAR DEAR,
I NEED MONEY NOW  OK FOR PEN AND SCANNER USE. PLEASE I AM OUT MANY HUNDRED USDOLLARS FOR PURCHASES!
IMMEDIATELY RESPONSE
MISTER SASSOU


Mary received Edward’s barely-legible questionnaire, filled out with what appeared to be a crayola marker. 


From: Mary Hatta-Littelam
Subject:  Re: URGENT REPLY NEEDED TODAY

Good evening, Edward.

I have received your questionnaire.  I didn’t realize you are both a Reverend and a Doctor.  Are you a Doctor of Reverendology?  Or a Reverend of Doctorology?  I’m curious.

It appears you want an annual income of $300,000. Is this correct?

I love your enthusiasm in your answer for the question “Why would you like to join our company”!

I am forwarding this to Ms. McDerp for review.  Please await further instruction.

Respectfully,
Mary


Titty was doing a line of cocaine when she received Mary’s email regarding Mr. Sassou’s questionnaire.  She was not pleased.  Not only did Edward use a purple marker instead of a pen, he also scanned it in grayscale.  Furious that Edward mucked up his first assignment, Titty sent him a stern email.


From: Tittiana McDerp
Subject:  I am very discouraged, and quite disappointed

Edward,

While I appreciate that you answered all of the questions completely, you did not follow my instructions.

You were instructed to complete the form with a purple pen.  You used a marker.  Also, you did not scan the document in color.  What is the point of asking you to use purple ink if we would happily accept a form in grayscale?

I will not lie, Edward.  I am discouraged by your apparent inability to follow simple directions.  We are a billion dollar company, not a kindergarten class.  I am a very busy person and I have no time to correct the mistakes of incompetent people.

Nevertheless, I will let this slide.  I have decided to give you another chance, and you will need to help with fundraising efforts for a current project we have going on.

We are raising funds for an organization that spreads awareness of rabid hedgehog attacks.  This is a serious issue going on in the United States.  Hedgehogs are forming large groups and attacking people in the streets.  They seem to enjoy climbing up men’s legs and burrowing into their victim’s rear-end. It is not pleasant.

I would like to use your image in a marketing campaign to raise awareness of this epidemic.  Please submit a high-quality photograph of yourself to Mary’s email.  In Mary’s previous correspondence, she asked you to purchase a digital camera.  If you have not yet done so, you will need to make arrangements with a photographer in your area.  I don’t care how you do it, just get it done. We will pay for the cost of the photographer so long as you send us a detailed, computer-printed invoice from the photographer.

Mary hopes to hear from you soon, and we all look forward to starting the campaign.  Your face might become quite famous, Edward!  And with fame comes big paychecks! This is very exciting!

Do not disappoint me again, Edward.  You are on very thin ice.  I’m sure there are several other people in Benin who would gladly take your place.

Yours,
Titty.

P.S.  Do not email me requesting money ever again. If you do, I will deduct money from your salary.


Edward headed over to a photographer’s place for his photo shoot. He wore his Sunday Best. The photographer expected immediate payment after the photo shoot, but poor Edward didn’t have the money.  All he had was his phone, which the photographer took as payment in full instead of calling the local police. Edward was distraught, but he sent Mary two wonderful photographs for his upcoming advertising campaign.  He knew he’d be ok without his phone for a week, because his face was going to be everywhere, on billboards and in magazines!  He was going to be famous, and rich!


From: Edward Sassou
Subject: REPLY TODAY URGENT

Miss Mary Love,
I have photos for you in email. I need immediate payment because I had no money for filmer . I was embarrass and had to give him my cellular because he said he call the police,ok. I need money for new phone and bus trip to film shop. I am a reverend in doctorage because of you asked in last email.
Please send payment today.
Mr. Reverend Sassou


The photographs landed in Mary’s email. They were perfect.  The handsome Mr. (Reverend) Sassou did a great job!  And Mary appreciated the fact that Edward clarified that he is a “Reverend In Doctorage”.

 

From: Mary Hatta-Littelam
Subject:  Re: REPLY TODAY URGENT

Hello, Edward!

Thank you for the photographs!  They are somewhat grainy, but we should be able to clean them up.  Very nice suit, by the way.

I will submit these to our marketing team immediately, and will send you copies of the final design.  Remember, these will be on billboards all over Chicago, New York, London, Los Angeles, and Paris.  You will be a star!

I am sorry to hear you had to sell your phone to pay for your photo shoot.  Please send a copy of the original receipt of when you purchased your phone.  Again, we can’t accept anything hand-written.  It must be the original receipt.

I will send you the finalized campaign proofs soon.

Respectfully,
Mary


The marketing team put together a billboard for several major cities worldwide, as well as full-page advertisements in U.S. magazines, including the cover of an upcoming issue of Moistecundt Magazine!  In a few days, Mr. Reverend Sassou will be receiving these in his email.

 

Will Edward like the advertising campaign? What will be his next assignment? Will he be able to afford a new phone?  Find out next week!

WEEK ONE: June 11 - June 18

It was storming outside at 8:00pm in Lagos, Nigeria.  Mr. Chidi Bello was exhausted after a full day at the local internet café.  He had been sending out email after email, but for whatever reason, he couldn’t convince ANYONE to accept his generous offer of $3.8M.  His eyes were growing weak from staring at the flickering computer screen, when suddenly, he receives an email response!  He shrieked with excitement as he read the email reply (pasted below).
 

From: Collin Levine
Subject: Re: Call Me +229*****474

Good afternoon Grace!  What is this payment amount for?  I love free money!
-Collin

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Grace Johnson
Subject: Call Me +229*****474

Hello dear beloved, I,am here to inform you that your compensation payment ofUSD$3.8 which was approved by IMF has been converted into (ATM VISA CARD) and registered with UPS company for shipment but the company requested your full delivery details

So contact the courier Contact with below info

UPS Company
Dr. Jerry Leo
Tel: +229*****474
Email:(ups*********201@outlook.com )


After years of training, he knew the first thing to do was to alert his boss in Benin, Mr. Edward Sassou.  No time to waste!  He didn’t want to let this gullible American slip away!  He decided to increase the money to $5.5M!  There’s NO WAY he’d be able to lose Collin now!


From: Edward Sassou
Subject: YOUR ATM VISA CARD PAYMENT DIRECTED BY DHL COURIER.

I’m MR EWARD SASSOU ,the new appointed Postman of Regular DHL courier branched at Cotonou Benin. I assumed this office on 13th, November, 2014. On going through the files of the previous records of this office, I discovered that there are six parcels containing ATM cards each one attached with an email address of the owner on it. The former appointee of this office (Alhaji Ahmed Musa Jr.) failed to carry out the delivery as it was instructed and programmed. Probably, one of his reasons for not carrying out the delivery was that you have not provided your postal address to him for the completion of the delivery as he remarked.

According to the content recorded in each file, the ATM card was deposited by one Senior Evangelist Mathew Peterson who died one year back as a charity foundation parcel to each of the six of you. On the statement he wrote on the list, he stated that each of the aforementioned ATM cards contains the sum of US$5.500,000.00 and he found your email contacts as reputable and capable persons that can use the charity awarded ATM Cards to change the lives of people.

Meanwhile, I've made the arrangement of posting the six parcels through Regular DHL courier to the six of you to your respective mailing addresses.

Am also sending the same message of the same content to six of you that own the six abandoned ATM CARDS each at the same time. If found in spam folder, it could be due to your Internet Service Provider, ISP. So move to your inbox before your reply.

I went to our head office at Cotonou Benin and reported the issue of the discovered six ATM cards in my office and they verified it and gave me the veto order to carry out the delivery immediately you reconfirm your mailing address to this office in order for us to mail the ATM CARD directly to you after Postal Stamp of the parcel. Note, below information is officially needed for posting of the ATM CARD ASAP.

Full name:
Full mailing info:
Your cell phone line:
Country:
Nearest Airport:

We shall post your ATM Card once you update us with the above info and you shall be given a tracking number, that is, the Track and Trace number of your parcel once it is posted to your mailing address, so as to enable you track your parcel to know exactly when it will arrive to your mailing address.

Remain blessed as I'll be looking forward to receiving your immediate response.

YOUR ATM VISA CARD PAYMENT DIRECTED BY DHL COURIER.

Regards,
MR EDWARD SASSOU,
Postman, Regular DHL courier Cotonou Benin
PHONE;; +229*****211


Meanwhile, in Louisville, Kentucky, Collin Levine was twirling his thumbs, anxiously waiting Grace’s reply.  Luckily for him, he DID get a reply, from Grace’s BOSS!  He could barely contain his excitement as he typed out his reply.


From: Collin Levine
Subject: Re: YOUR ATM VISA CARD PAYMENT DIRECTED BY DHL COURIER.

Good morning Mr. Edward.

Thank you for your email message. How very lucky of me to be getting 5 million dollars!

As you are probably aware, there are some scoundrels in Benin that take advantage of honest people.  I sent a Mr. Chembudu $1,200 through Western Union and he didnt send me the money he was supposed to.  But if you are really sending me 5.5 million USD that would be amazing!

But because I have been stolen from before I am hesitant to give you my address and phone number without being sure that you are an honest guy.

I hope to hear from you soon!

-Collin


In Benin, Mr. Sassou was licking his chops.  This stupid American has already sent someone $1,200, and will probably do it again if I just pretend I’m an honest man.  Time to reel Collin in!


From: Edward Sassou
Subject: Re: YOUR ATM VISA CARD PAYMENT DIRECTED BY DHL COURIER.

HELLO MY DEAR COLLIN LEVINE

This is to acknowledged the receipt of your email today being 17tH DAY OF JUNE .2015. vividly we want you to be rest assure that federal government of Benin republic is very sorry for you been dupe by the some of nuisance that spoil the image of our country by claiming to be the real official using it to dupe some honest people like you. as you can see now we have been trying all our possible best to see that we wipe corruption away in this country soonest which we are already working on it.

Probably my dear friend  i made this to be an agreement also undertaking and oath before God .the federal government has keen and realize to finally release your payment through our DHL SERVICE. have it in mind that you should take this transaction very serious because surely your fund of $5.5million usd. will be release the moment you send your FULL INFORMATION. your phone number and the postal CODE address of your country because your ATM card will be deliver without wasting any more time i want you to trust me with all your heart because i will never fail you. more over the only payment approve that you will complete is the security keeping fee of $120usd only to settle the department where your card was deposited before.

YOU have to forward your information very fast so that i can provide you an information where you are going to send $120usd as it is approve by the federal government over here. i want to let you know that you have getting to the last bus top where God has finally decided to bless your life. so hurry up because you are already blessed and for you to receive it you have to follow the instruction given i promise you will never regret instead it will bring you to financial breakthrough. know you that this is the last opportunity so you Don`t have to fail so that you can see how government has arrange your card. beside the card is ready in our office right away  and the moment you comply everything will be authenticated without any delaying. please do not hesitate to send your full information as you are told because you have to know that this Card is LEGAL AND and the reason why you have to be fast is that we need to deliver this card fast within 3working days as we are mandated by the government.

Thanks for your understanding.

MR EWARD SASSOU
(FOREIGN DELIVERY DEPARTMENT DHL BENIN)
DHL COURIER DELIVERY COMPANY LTD


Crying at the thought of not being able to get $5.5M without paying something in return, poor Collin had to pass on the opportunity, but not without first letting the kind Mr. Sassou know that there might be someone else who is interested!


From: Collin Levine
Subject: Re: YOUR ATM VISA CARD PAYMENT DIRECTED BY DHL COURIER.

Good morning, Edward.

I'm sorry I could not respond sooner.  Thank you for your response and I appreciate your condolences regarding my incident with Mr. Chembudu.

I unfortunately do not have extra money at my disposal these days, due to the scam I was duped in recently.  But I was talking to a client of mine yesterday and from what I've gathered from our conversation, she might be interested in working with you!  She is a prominent fashion designer in Chicago named Tittiana McDerp.  She's been in the fashion industry for a long time and has tons of money, much more than I do.  I can barely afford to pay my rent!

I have forwarded your email to her but if you would like to contact her, her email address is tittiana.mcderp@gmail.com

God Bless and may his love squirt all over you on this beautiful day!

-Collin


The greedy Mr. Sassou began to drool.  He was about to get a rich American woman to give him a butt load of cash!


From: Edward Sassou
Subject: YOUR ATM VISA CARD PAYMENT DIRECTED BY DHL COURIER.

Hello My Tittiana McDerp,

Hello my dear how are doing today hope all is well with you, probably i was told to contact you by COLLIN Levine, because we are having his card over hear that worth sum of $5.500.000.000usd in COLLIN Levine name deposited by the one of the senior evangelist Mathew Peterson as a charity foundation award. so he found COLLIN Levine email as one of the reputable person in the society  that can use the charity awarded ATM Cards to change the lives of people.

unfortunately he is one of the person chose by the charity award but since he cannot afford to send us the security keeping of $120usd for he  told us that you two have negotiated on the issue  and you are ready to get the card yourself. so that the card will be deliver immediately within 2working days

so contact us now and let us see how we are going to proceed with the delivery. moreover the delivery is to take place the moment we hear from you.

thanks for your understanding. and may God be with you.

MR EWARD SASSOU
(FOREIGN DELIVERY DEPARTMENT DHL BENIN)
DHL COURIER DELIVERY COMPANY LTD


The setting: the chilly Chicago office of Moistecundt Design and Fashion Studio.  The founder and owner, Tittiana McDerp, has had a stressful day trying to organize an important upcoming photo shoot.  She took a coffee break to catch up on her emails, and was happy to see the kind message from Mr. Sassou, the businessman that Collin had mentioned to her on their last phone call.  She had to catch a flight in a few hours, but decided to reach out to Mr. Sassou to introduce herself.


From: Tittiana McDerp
Subject:  Re: YOUR ATM VISA CARD PAYMENT DIRECTED BY DHL COURIER.

Greetings, Edward!

How are you today?  I'm doing well, despite a few things.  I'm scrambling to get a photo shoot together and things are not falling into place for me today.

I did indeed receive your information from Collin.  He is currently developing a new website for my studio.  He's a sweet kid, albeit he's a little naive.

I don't have much time today, but I wanted to drop you a line and introduce myself.  I'm about to catch a flight to New York in a few hours.

I do have some business to discuss with you, however.  I am interested in expanding my line and opening an office in Lagos.  I know you are in Benin, but I was hoping you were familiar with Lagos.  It is becoming one of the fast-growing cities in Africa.  Its fashion industry has already passed South Africa, which is amazing to me.

I am looking into purchasing some real estate property in Lagos.  I know you are probably not interested in this, since you have a wonderful position with the courier office.  However, if you know of anyone who may be interested in an amazing opportunity to join our team, I would love to meet with them!

I would have to discuss this with payroll, but it would be for an administrative assistant position with my studio, a salary position which pays $6,000 per month.

I apologize for the long email.  I have to run.  But if you know anyone who might be interested in helping my studio branch out into Lagos, let me know!  It will pay well, and the hours would not be too demanding.

I hope to hear from you soon, Edward.

Ta ta for now!

Yours,
Titty.

Tittiana McDerp
Founder and Owner
Moistecundt Design & Fashion Studio
Chicago


$6,000 per month!  Jackpot!  I’ll be the king of my village!  Let’s see what the business opportunity entails…


From: Edward Sassou
Subject: URGENT REPLY AND THANKS YOU

Hello dear I love you doing today ok. i is happy to work with you beauty. i go to lagos very much and know very good. when can i expect payment, soon. i make us wealthy praise God the great.

please so to understand do call me mister sassou. email me soon on this email ok.

bye

mister sassou


Poor Edward hadn’t heard from Titty in over a day.  He was worried that he lost her!  Frantically he shot her another email at 1:45am Benin time.


From: Edward Sassou
Subject: URGENT REPLY NEEDED

Hello My Tittiana McDerp,

YES I CAN WORK FOR YOU OVER HERE, SO THE QUESTION IS HOW PREPARATION HAVE YOU DONE REGARDING THIS. BECAUSE I MYSELF PROMISE TO GET YOU SO MANY MONEY THAT I AM INTERESTED ON WORKING WITH YOU. YOU ALREADY KNOW THAT I AM DHL WORKER.

SO GET BACK TO ME AND TELL ME HOW YOU SUGGEST TO START THE BUSINESS BECAUSE I HAVE SO MANY LOVE OVER THERE IN LAGOS STATE OF NIGERIAN. AND WHEN I CAN EXPECT PAYMENT OF USD6.000.00 BECAUSE YOU DON’T REPLY. URGENT RESPONSE PLEASE OK.

MISTER SASSOU


Tittiana sat in her swanky hotel suite in New York City after a long day of photo shoots.  She catches up on her email and, seeing Edward’s messages, decided to reply to her new associate.


From: Tittiana McDerp
Subject:  Re: URGENT REPLY NEEDED

Hello, Edward!

I hope everything is going well in Benin.  It’s been a busy day for me here in the Big Apple!  Have your business ventures ever brought you to New York City?

I am elated that you are interested in a position with my company!  You have definitely made a great decision.  I will have my personal assistant contact you via email.  Her name is Mary Hatta-Littelam.  She’s amazing and will take care of setting everything up for you.

I am a very busy woman, but will do my best to answer any of your questions if I can.  Email me any time!

By the way, I noticed you requested that I call you “Mister Sassou” instead of Edward.  I do not call any man “mister” anything.  I hope this doesn’t offend you.

I’m off to a cocktail party that this vile woman, Anna Wintour, is hosting.  Wish me luck!

Yours,
Titty.


Edward began grinding his teeth at this disrespectful American lady who refused to listen to his demands of being called Mr. Sassou.  But he knew he had to remain polite. He was now anxiously awaiting the email from Titty’s assistant, Mary Hatta-Littelam, which came the following day.


From: Mary Hatta-Littelam
Subject:  Welcome To The Moistecundt Family!

Good morning, Edward.  I am Mary, the personal assistant to Ms. McDerp.  I will be helping  with the transition process to get you on our payroll as an administrative assistant of our new West African field office.

Looking over the notes that Ms. McDerp left for me, it looks like her first assignment for you involves taking photographs of available office spaces in the city of Lagos, Nigeria.

You will need to purchase a digital camera, if you do not currently have one.

I’m actually getting ahead of myself.  Before you get started on this, I will need you to fill out the attached form and email it back to me at your earliest convenience.

Ms. McDerp is unusual with her hiring techniques.  She asks people to perform a task that one would typically do for the position for which they’re applying, and judging how they perform that task, she then decides whether to hire that person or not.

But first things first, Edward.  Print out the attached form, fill it out completely, and email it back to me.

After receiving the form, we will discuss your tryout job.

Respectfully,
Mary.


Mr. Sassou's email alerted him.  He got a response from Titty's assistant, as promised.  He read the email and found an attached form for him to fill out...
 


Will he fill out the form? If he does, will he remember to use purple ink? Will he get the job?  Only time will tell!  We’ll see what happens over the next week...

Introduction

Welcome to my attempt at a safari!

I get tons of emails from scammers.  You know the ones.  I never realized I had so many Nigerian relatives who wanted to leave me billions of dollars in their wills!  Not to mention the number of African princes that selected me out of everyone on earth with whom to leave their wealth.

These people prey on the elderly, the naive, the innocent.  They have no compassion and no remorse.  They will steal from anyone.

I will fully admit that I enjoy messing with these scumbags, and I have no regret doing it.  They get no sympathy from me.  But the real purpose of me doing this is that it keeps these shitheads distracted.  If they're busy responding to me and meeting my ridiculous demands, they'll be too busy to steal money from other people.

With all of that said, I present to you: A HAPPY SAFARI.